Read My New Porn Script

See if you can find all the inside jokes.



"Not Another Stupid Porn TV Show Spoof XXX"

Plot Abstract: When swanky porno director Jeff Mullen gets a little too boozy, he decides to create the "mother of all porn TV show spoofs." Unfortunately, his reach exceeds his grasp, as all types of general mayhem reduce his project, and him, into a quivering pile of rubble. The process of casting and shooting his magnum opus reveal the porn industry's penchant for backstabbing, catfighting and general ridiculousness.


Scene 1: Jeff Mullen and Mike Ramone drinking in a bar. In the background, Genesis Skye is sitting with Wankus, a bag of white powder on the table. Mullen says he came up with his greatest idea, "Not the Munsters XXX." Ramone nods his approval, then has to leave to stage a bondage phone-sex call with Ryan Knox.

Scene 2: Mullen pitches his idea to Larry Flynt, Michael Fattorosi and Shy Love. Michael has a sign around his neck reading "Larry's Fake Lawyer," Sheelaugh has a sign around her reading "Larry's Fake CPA." Dale DaBone takes notes, wearing a t-shirt reading, "I dated Jennifer Capriati." There is a gun on Larry's desk. A threeway scene between Kurt Lockwood and Ava & Mia Rose starts up in the background. Dustin Flynt barges into the office and demands to know why he's been disinherited. Mullen picks up a camera as the sex scene plays out. In the background, a gunshot is heard.

Scene 3: Mullen is on set, casting for Marilyn Munster. Several veteran whores appear...Sandra Romain, Danielle Derek, Audrey Bitoni, but they are brushed off as too ugly. Finally, he settles on Bridgette Kerkove, and begins filming with ChriatianXXX. Right after the pop shot, Skeeter Kerkavoe bursts in, demanding to know where Johnny Thrust is keeping Bridgette's child. Mullen berates Skeeter about his hairline. Skeeter beats Mullen to death with the JM Productions "collection bat," and instructs Johnny that he is now in control of this blockbuster's production, and to go and get him some Mountain Dew and Cascade. Bridgette is immediately fired and replaced with Teagen Presley, after she promises that her baby is at home.

Scene 4: Skeeter Kerkove continues casting for Herman Munster. Luke Ford and Chaim Amalek are off in the background, googling "Jonathan Pollard" on Chaim's laptop. Several imbecilic stiffs are brought in, Nick Manning, Donny Long, Kurt Lockwood. None can maintain an erection long enough with Lilly Munster (Melissa Lauren) Finally, Steve French appears, studded rings on all fingers and a "Donkey Punch" t-shirt on his back. He wins the role, the scene is fantastic. Suddenly, everyone empties the building. It appears that, simultaneously, Gram Ponante has shown up for some revenge with Lockwood, and they are in a full street showdown. A few yards away, ChristianXXX and Donny Long are also engaged in a street fight. Sadly, Brian Surewood comes barreling down the street. He is late for his time so he ignores the fighters in the street, hitting and killing all of them. A brief CSI: Miami-type scene ensues, Brian is led away in handcuffs. The camera shifts to the L.A. County jail, where Brandon Irons is visiting Brian, reminding him to take a herpes test when he is finally released in 2060.

Scene 5: While the carnage rages outside, Viv Thomas is filming the the obligatory "incongruous lesbian scene" with DaBella and Barbara Summer. A sign in the background reads, "All proceeds from this scene to go the "Gen Padova Center for Whore Fake-Cancer Research," recently founded by Sharon Mitchell.

Scene 6: A gratuitous sex scene with Marilyn, Eva Angelina, and Grandpa Munster Dave Cummings (if Dave can't make it...then Don Hollywood). Holly Randall at the camera. Teagen and Eva get into a catfight over who collects more for the scene. In the background, Leah Stevenson and Reg Senter are seen making off with Skeeter's checkbook. With no more money, everyone is sent home.

Scene 7: In a moving soliloquy, Kerkove regrets the life he has chosen. He calls Sasha Grey to ask for some philosophical advice at this time of his personal need. She quotes the wrong passages from Nietzsche. Instead of helping him, she causes him to shoot himself in the head. In the next camera, at least five people, male and female, are in the "Carson Daly" green room, uriniating on Sasha. While the urine drips down her sad face, she says, "I'm mainstream now." They DP her ass repeatedly, as she repeats, "But I'm existential."

As the credits roll, Donny Long is seen escaping from the JM Productions offices with a shoebox marked "Bukkake Payroll," money trailing behind him, and Jim Powers in pursuit. Unfortunately, a goat has escaped from the petting zoo next door. As Donald looks back to gauge his progress, he runs into the goat, castrating himself on the beast's horns.

[Fade to black]

Welcome Back , Bungsmell!!

Alarms,bells and whistles went off yesterday when I logged into XPT and I saw the new alt by Richard Hungwell, aka, Richard H , aka Richard Bungsmell.

Looking at the calendar, I realized that exams must be over, and he was returning to entertain us with his wit and wisdom. ( And his hatred of me).
Not seeing him since he left us earlier in the year with his admission of being a "violent alcoholic" left a void in my posting experiences at XPT.
His creativity and oratory skills notwithstanding, I missed the witty banter and the wonderful ability to grasp the interest of his public.
I was lucky enough to have been singled out as " Poster that he would like to hit over the head with a 2X4", and his many variations of my screenname. ("shit-goat", being the newest and most creative to date).

Just found a new web post that shows how articulate and witty this man can be.
And, it just does my heart good that he is back.
It is my pleasure to share this lost gem, and welcome back, Richard!!!!
http://www.neurolux.com/thread.cfm?threadid=20249&messages=2

Some Financial Predictions

My prediction for the Third Quarter, 2009:

Happy To Be Here

So, checking out Willie's link the other day, I noticed that he hadn't updated this blog in quite awhile. Me, being the curious type, figured that he is just a busy guy and he will get to it soon enough. I put in a note asking him if I could do a few things for the site, and he said "Hell Yes"!.
I am by no means an expert on the porn world,and have no contacts there other than the people who I interact with regularly on XXXPT.com But, I am starting to understand it a lot better, finding out who is tolerated and despised. It is fascinating to get an inside glimpse into this world, which my past experience used to be blowing a load into a Kleenex.
To let a schmuck like me, whose claim to fame in the porn world is making a Shy Love video, calling Bree Olson on Howard Stern, and writing a lot of nonsensical ramblings on XPT, post here, is an honor.

I heard that Desi and Elli are going to be appearing on Howard Stern as "the prize" for a father and son team to "party" ( as the old cunt calls it) with. I plan on being on the phone and to get a plug in for XPT. I have also been given some awesome info that will most definitely get me on the air. Lame to look forward to? Maybe. But it definitely will be fun for me.
I actually want to go there at five in the morning and bust her balls as she goes into the building.
And then make a day of it in NYC. The former will be videotaped, of course, and uploaded to YouTube. That will be must-see TV. And, from my video camera, probably the most main-stream coverage she will ever get.
Yes, I am just as retarded as most think.
I

Playboy Enterprises: Worthless, Part 4

4. PLA management is worthless.

So back in the roaring '60s, Hugh turned his jack mag into quite the brand. And when he took it public in 1971, dudes were waiting in line to have a share of the "Bunny." Hef pocketed millions.

Then the company came to him again in the early 90s. Now, the price of cash was his daughter Christie. Make her the CEO of my fabulous franchise.

And lo and behold, decades later, his daughter has basically run the company into the ground. Want some examples????

--Christie was behind the wheel when the company made its ludicrous purchase of Club Jenna for over $20MM. That purchase has produced no measurable results to the company's bottom line.

-- CH orchestrated the purchase of Spice TV and several other cable porn companies, hoping they would justify the revenue. Guess what, they didn't. Spice died as other cable porn outlets came online, and PLA's cable TV franchise is so tenuous that a single broadcast company can cancel their distributorship unilaterally, and PLA can't do a fucking thing about it.

So for all this incompetence, guess what Hef's daughter got in return for being fired from the company:

--$2MM in cash, lump sum
--30,000 Shares of PLA stock, class B
--$22M in vacation pay
--Payment in full on her Diner's Club Card.
--All "personal costs" to be reimbursed

All this skank had to do was:

1. Don't badmouth the company
2. Don't compete against the company for two years
3. Make "intellectual use" of Playboy.

Yeah, right. Hugh fired his daughter, then set her up for life.

Read the shit here: http://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgar/data/1072341/000116923209001548/d76389_ex1027-d.txt

Fuck this whore and phuck Playboy!!!!

Playboy Enterprises: Worthless, Part 3

3. Club Jenna is Worthless.

If you remember far enough back to 2007, when it was announced that Playboy was going to buy out Jenna, there were all these wild speculations...what was the company worth...her name alone was worth $30MM...the talk of all the "prefilmed" movies of her and Jay so that she would never have to shoot new content. You would think this purchase was something that was really going to revive the business. Well, then it was all said and done, the deal went like this: Club Jenna owners got about $17MM in cash over 4 years, PLUS they would get even more if the company met some sales goals.

Anybody want to guess how much Playboy has had to pay in additional royalties for the past few years? That's right, absolutely nothing. Now, on one hand, you could say, Well, they don't have to pay for any new content. True, except now they are the de facto owners of the company. They have to pay for all the expenses, such as hiring the whores, paying for production space, etc. Playboy thinks so highly of Club Jenna now, they mentioned it exactly twice by name in their 2008 annual report, itself almost ninety pages long.

Twice.

Of course, the exact results are buried in with a bunch of other business units--they aren't ready to make that knowledge public. All the same, it's not hard to figure out why the enterprise isn't paying off like they envisioned: Jenna got her money, and like any other two-bit whore, ran away as fast as she can so she could squeeze out some MMA-babies and live like a queen for another decade or so. The current list of whores at CJ is pretty depressing: Sophia Rossi, Jill Kelly, Ashton Moore...women with plastic faces and overstuffed tits. Well, I suppose for a magazine that purchases photo retouching ink by the gallon, maybe it's not such a stretch. Just imagine paying your fired CEO Christie Hefner $2MM to go away quietly after spending $17MM two years ago, and then having to include this line in your financial report about it, "No earnout payments have been made through December 31, 2008, and no future earnouts are expected as we are exiting the DVD business."

Find PLA's annual report here: http://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgar/data/1072341/000116923209001548/d76389_10-k.txt

Playboy Enterprises: Worthless, Part 2

2. PLA Stock is worthless

The price of a company's stock is a genuine indicator of what other people think about that business. It's the ultimate indicator of worth.

In this case, their stock is also worthless.

Playboy trades on the NYSE under the symbol PLA. At least, they used to. Earlier this year, PLA was informed by the exchange that they were in danger of being delisted because their market capitalization had fallen below the $75MM threshold. Delisted...as in...yes, they're a publicly-owned corporation, but on one wants to provide a market for people to buy and sell their worthless stock. PLA took this stinger like any company would: they petitioned the Securities and Exchange Commission to delete any references to the delisting from the annual reports they have to file with the SEC, normally available to the public..

To get a sense of how shitty this company's stock has performed, consider this: the company went public in 1971 with an initial closing price of $23.50. Yesterday, the shitty giant closed at $2.48. TWO FUCKING DOLLARS!!! If you adjusted for inflation, the stock would have to have closed at $62.39 just to maintain the same value it had in 1971. And that even takes into account a virtual two-for-one stock split in 1990, which the company had to perform in order to keep it alfoat.

Assumptions:
average inflation rate of 3.27% over the last 20 years
CPI estimates place a 1971 Dollar worth $5.31 today

Not to mention that the company has never paid a single dividend. Oh, except of the preferred shares Hef got when the company had to recapitalize itself in 1990. Basically, this shitbag had taken his investors for a ride. When he dies, the bunny will mean bubkus--he will effectively be a pronographic Bernard Madoff, who skimmed his company over and over again until he finally left them holding the bag.

Tomorrow: satellite porn and ClubJenna: also worthless

Playboy Enterprises: Worthless, Part 1

There's a story running on Adult FYI about the purported "value" of Playboy Enterprises, which owns such things as the Mansion, the magazine, Club Jenna and some shitty satellite porn networks. The import of the story (link here) is that there are lots of physical assets than an investor would find valuable.

PEI is worthless, at least financially. Here's why.

1. The Playboy Mansion. First off, discount the Mansion as anything of value. The writer at Crane's Chicago Business think it's worth a ton because Hef bought it in the early 1970's for about $1.2MM. Money gained via an IPO, not through his own personal means. They now estimate the property to be worth $35MM. Wonderful idea, but they missed one key problem: the Mansion serves as the collateral for a $50MM loan from the Bank of America (see the entire Credit Agreement here. Copy of the Deed of Trust here.) Even worse, Bank of America is actively looking for other lenders to buy out its stake down to $30MM, as noted in the 7th Amendment to this credit agreement, seen here.. Other indicators that B of A isn't so happy with Hef and the company include: an interest rate increase, an increase in the commitment fee to use the credit facility, a mandatory recapitalization of the company, and a limitation on the company incurring any new debt without the bank's consent.

Basically, if you sold the Mansion, Playboy as a going concern would evaporate. With no other collateral to support any new borrowing, the company would have no way to issue letters of credit or subsidize any short-term finance gaps. Nor would they probably be able to find a new bank, since it's clear they're being kicked out by their old bank.

And let's finally dispense with the myth that Hef "owns" the Mansion. The Deed is in the company's name, always has been. He lives there basically as a renter, and has done so for over thirty years. He's required to pay the company for all of his personal expenses, right after the company spends $100M a year to have an auditor come in and determine the market value of renting that kind of space.

And in case you're financially illiterate:

$1M = one thousand
$1MM = one million

Tomorrow: why would you want a stock that closed at $2.48 per share, when it should be at $62.39, and has never paid a dividend.

Sasha Grey...The "New Breed" of Porno???

You can read the full interview at http://adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=33312

With this stupid bitch, things always boil down to one, solitary throwaway line. This week, the whore says, "I am the new breed."

"New breed" of porno performers? I don't really know what that means, unless it's a reference to the two weeks she spent in the hospital with a major case of anal warts. Or that she stayed off the heroin long enough in high school to remember a few lines from Sartre, allowing herself to claim to be some uber-existentialist. Maybe she'll end up inking herself up like Joanna Angel, another delusional alt.whore.

There are no such things as porno whores who became "mainstream" actresses. Marilyn Chambers found this out. Ginger Lynn found this out, so did Traci Lords. Soon Sasha Grey will learn the same thing.

And what a stretch--she plays a hooker. Stormy Daniels does the same thing, going around claiming she's a "mainstream" actress because she appeared in two films, one where she plays a porno whore, and another where she plays a stripper. I bet that's the kind of acting range that just makes Meryl Streep green with envy.

Oh and if you're interested, read the extremely lukewarm reviews of the whore's performance at IMDB, where it was described thusly, "There has been a lot of talk about the lead actress. Yes she is a porn star, and her acting verifies this...."

Check IAFD, she gets her ass pounded about 1/3 of the time. If she's too stupid to realize this kind of "performance art" limits her to the sweaty warehouses of Chatsworth and Canoga Park, then just sit back and watch the delusions roll over her for the next three or four years, when people stop hiring her, and a personal reality terrifingly sets over her:

"ZOMG, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to get into porno!!!!"

PissonStormy.net - Topic 4: Can A Whore Actually Have Moral Superiority?

Well now, time to bring in an interesting question: can a whore who lets halfway house parolees unload their testicles onto her face actually have a sense of moral superiority? You might automatically say, No, but we're talking about Louisiana, probably the most backward state in the Union.

See, the incumbent Senator, David Vitter, has his own proclivity for sex---with hookers. But let's back up. I personally would never vote for Mr. Vitter based on his political beliefs alone. He supports policies and spending appropriations which blur the line between church and state. He wants to abolish the federal estate tax, but can't seem to find which federal agencies to eliminate to compensate for the massive reduction in federal revenue. But then again, there is the issue of Pamela Martin, the "Canal Street Madam," whose little black book contained Mr. Ritter's phone number. His number in the Dirksen Federal Office building! Later revelations indicated Mr. Ritter availed himself of Ms. Martin's services five times. Long story short...he apologized for his misdeeds and is still a sitting Senator.

So here's the dilemma: would you vote for someone who has had relations with a prostitute, or someone whose profession is not prostitution itself only because of a legal blur?