Racking the Trolls

For me, good trolling involves 2 things:

1. Satire which you know is on the outer edges of the recipient's brain power
2. A good user name

We're all pretty good at #1, but it's #2 that can really light someone's gas can. Seinfeld knew this, those were the lamest one-liners since SCTV, but the set-up was flawless.Suppose you want to troll Genesis Skye, an easy but illustrative example. Obviously your posts would have lots of long words related to drug use, probably a liberal use of the word "whore," maybe even a few lines taken Grandmaster Melle Mel's "White Lines" which was written before she was born, but which just about everyone knows about (see...on the fringes of her intelligence). The setup would be a clever, but very inflammatory username. Once she reads that, she knows she's gonna get flamed like Hiroshima. Maybe "Skye's Rx Depot," "Genesis' Meeth," you get it. The other good troll is the 1-line e-mail, which you post somewhere it will be seen, but never actually sent. You never sign you own name, just something referential.

Dear Taylor Rain,
We're meeting by the Pasteur today. Please show up at 5:05
Sincerely,
The Waldos

Nasty Smileys and Bananas

Yeah, you know the generic smiley and banana emoticons we've all come to use in our Derridean emphasis on writing. Here are some more for you sick people to insert in your e-mails and posts. God help you :-)

Now post away degenerates!

Rack the Cardinals

While the Cardinals may have lost in the post-season, they remain the most victorious baseball team in the NL...so you fukkin' Asstrohs fans who think you arethe shit since you got over once in 40-somthing years need to remember something:

Save The Alterna-Whores

Let's face it, peeps, we're being inundated by a plague.

I know the alterna-skanks like to think they're "kewl" and that they're not "skærd" of criticism. Unfortunately, everyone from Roger T. Pipe to Luke Ford to CAVR have pissed down the throat of alternative porn. It's cool to see a whore getting boned, it's not "kewl" to see the same whore with purple hair, armpit stains larger than Delaware, and and Meeth .

Help For Janine Lindemulder

If Janine wants to make money through tattoo advertising, I have an idea.

AVN Blog Alive With Hate for Wankus

Upon trying to post...I got

Quote:
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So Bob, here's my post. Maybe one of your jack-booted thugs can post this for me when my quarantine is ended.

"Bob, you are partially to blame for this thread hikack cum flame war--you basically said all that needed to be said. Gauge flaked, Alexis did not. Gauge is narcissistic, catty, demanding, even over-the-hill and in denial. 'Nuff said. However, you did write, "It starts out with comments on KSEX and a few web sites that...," of course implying that this was broadcast by them. If you didn't mean it that way, fine; but that's how you wrote it. This gives Wanktionary a chance at bringing himself and his baby KSEX into the mix to defend/promote themselves and split some linguistic hairs. In this whole mix are a bunch of people with gas cans and matches, ready to go on any highly polarizing issue, like...oh...you-know-who. Guy drives this further by his own narcissism and attempts at self-justification, which invites the posters to throw even more gas, and pretty soon the blog goes Emergency 51. So thanks for the skinny on Gauge, who does need a reality check, but if self-promoter Wanklicity starts qualifying other people's writing, you should know it's gonna get ugly. RTT"

Max H. Gets Raided By The FBI

Couirtesy of Jim South, Jr.:

"Max comes in today and is carrying a slab of what was part of his floor. Apparently (guess this is what they told Max) Joe #1 holding the shotty pointed down while Joe #2 dropped something on the floor making Joe Schmo #1 fire off a round point blank at the floor. Just when you think you couldn't love the feds even more than now."

Porsche Lynn--Starring in "IRS Bukkake"

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Don't Make Fun of Disabled Degenerates

Dumb whore confused "astigmatism" with "eye stigmata." Don't do that!

The Babydoll Files, Part II

Another nice day in Porn Valley. Two days after our meth girls meeting at JMP, they are walking down a sidewalk in Burbank, approaching the local Walgreens.

Baby Doll: Guys, we are so lucky. With that $25 from Tony Malice, we scored some crystal down the street and had enough left over to go to AIM to get my porn test.
Lolita: Can they test for endomytriosis there? My pussy smells bad.
Tanga Rae: Hmm, you don't think it's from that tuna-scented douche you bought for your girly thing?
TR: Baby, this stuff is going to cost a fortune. If you hadn't sold that DVD to that "cumsalloverher' guy from XXXPornTalk.com, we'd be screwed. I need to pay my cell phone bill, and I'm not fucking the landlord again to pay the rent.
BD: Shhh, we need to be cool in here. I swiped a Rx pad from AIM and wrote us up some long term happiness. But we gotta be cool.
L: My tummy hurts too, maybe my muffin tatoo is getting infected.
[all 3 approach the pharmacy counter. Baby Doll walks up hesitatnly, knowing that she is committing a felony]
BD: Hi...uhhh, I need to fill this [twitch] description.
Pharmacist: Xanax [raises eyebrows] You've taken this before?
[Tanga Rae wanders off to the liquor aisle]
BD: [increasingly jittery] Umm, yeah. Psst, Lolita, is this the shit we chew to goto sleep, or the stuff when we wake up shaking in the afternoon?
L: ....yesss.....
BD: [smiles at pharmacist] Yeah, that's right.
P: You take this for anxiety attacks?
BD: I get [twitch] an...anks...nervous sometimes.
P: And who is "Dr." Sharon Mitchell? I've never heard of her before.
BD: She's a specialist. She treats a very limited group of patients.
L: [blurts out like a Tourette's episode] PORN PEOPLE!
TR: [reappears] girls, they're out of the Fleischman's 2-liter vodka, but Popov is on sale, is that OK?
P: Whoa. You should never drink taking Xanax. It's dangerous. Are you sure Dr. Mitchell wrote this for you? Should I call her to confirm it, or should I just call the police?
BD: WAIT...NO [sweating]. Ummm [twitch] look, you know, porn girls have some special talents. Maybe we could go into the store room, and like, you know. I'd even let you cum in my mouth.
P: You know what, here's your pills. You've got more track marks than the Olympics. Take it and get out of here forever.
[waiting in line to pay, each girl grabbing crumpled $1s from their pockets. Hailey Young is in line ahead of them with a bag of Depends]
BD: I knew this would work out perfect.
Hailey Young: [to herself] Fuck if I know how Jeff Steward got me to agree to 5 anal scenes.
[later that day, the 3 skanks sitting on a concrete wall, alternately passing the Xanax and Popov]
BD: [eyes glassy] these don't taste too bad. When do you wanna go call our source for some more meth? And why do my teeth hurt?

Cast:
Baby Doll: her skankified self
Lolita: muffin tatoo on her belly skank, burn marks on the writsts.
Tanga Rae: icy redhead skank with the meth-hookup celly
Hailey Young: herself, 0% skankage
Mike Horner: Pharmacist

The Babydoll Files, Part I

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Baby Doll still alive.. but is that a good thing?

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