Biggest Piece Of Shit In Porn--2005

As we come to the end of 2005...time to list your biggest pieces of shit in porn this year. In no particular order, here are a few of my favorite shitheads:

The Kerkove Family. This is Married With Children with small babies, real porn and criminal records longer than Johnny Wadd. Did Skeeter abuse his kids? Did Bridgette set him up? No one knows, except that both are as trustworthy as the Smelly Monkey Land Co. Before I came to this hamlet, I lurked at ADT for a while to check it out. Reading those Skeeter diatribes about what a fine human being he is...you could feel the imminent thrombosis. Then someone would remind him that he is a sex offender and he's just go off. Being a porn-hooker wife/mother is not much better--you'll fuck anyone for money and you have no standards.

The Suicide Girls. If Joanna Angel is the baby of alt-porn, suicide girls dot com is the putrid bloody placential afterbirth. For several years this palce bragged about its tattooed, dreadlocked, Frankenstein-faced "womyn"-made and run website. Oops! Looks like some capitalist pig guys were running the site after all, prompting these unrealistically ideological emo-skanks to figure out what to actually do with their lives, since they are too ugly for porn. Memo to the SG'ers: just because you got Dave Grohl to put a quote on your website does not legitimize you. Dave was only good because Kurt and Chris were better.

Dale Dabone. Someone (probably Dale in a meth craze) started a rumor that Dale was dating tennis teen turned pothead turned old tennis pothead Jennifer Capriati. Probably a step up for Dale, who's used to chatting up Randi Wright before prolapsing her rectum. The story hit every porn board, ESPN radio and TV, Fox Sports Radio, the Jim Rome Show, all of whom latched onto the obvious:
--Dale's utterly stupid porn name
--Jen's days with the hippie lettuce
--The fact that Jen could bite off Dale's winky with her Shy Love-sized incisors.
Of course the story was false. Dale issued an apology, I recall.

Jewel DeNyle's parents. Aside from the fact that getting your parents into porn is a bizarro-world move in itself, why in the hell would you trust these brainiacs to lead a team of porn whores down to the Bahamas, where all shit breaks loose, whores are directed to blow everyone who asks, no one has a hotel room, and Jewel's bosses are out $50K for Mommy and Daddy's fuckup. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

(this is a local one) Jenna Jameson. Whoever made up that expression, "I oughta write the mayor," should have excluded porn whores. For over a year now, Jenna has been trying to reopen Babe's, a defunct strip club in south Scottsdale, AZ, a middle class but very religious neighborhood who has already been swindled by the city government twice in the last decade. Understand, Scottsdale is a pretty conservative place. That ClubJenna can even exist here is a mystery to me. First they tried to block Jenna's liquor license and couldn't. Now they want to ban "touching" lap dances at any new clubs, like hers. Jenna's brilliant solution: go out in the public and call out the city council and mayor. Note to Jenna: I know the mayor, went to school with her children. She's a bigger bitch about porn than you are about black guys.



I planned to include Scipio the ADT mod who came over here for a few days and posted during the Shane Diesel saga. He seemed to enjoy the shit-throwing so much, what does that say about Steph? I'm removing him. C'mon back, bra'

Happy shit-throwing!