The Porn Shit List: Fall 2006

It's been a while since anyone vented their spleen (or other organ if you're Chris Sims), and quite frankly the porn business has been depressingly boring. But leave it to the fringes of society to always produce shit worthy of scorn and contempt.

Tawny Roberts (Mary Carey honorable mention). This crackwhore still has a Vivid contract? Mary Carey almost made this list, but I will forbear since she may actually be clean since her Mom took a swan dive. I am beginning to suspect Tawny is the shitty element in this pair. Mary has a little bank and needs friends; Tawny has no bank, needs drugs but not friends. Or put it like one of those SAT analogies... Mary Carey:Tawny Roberts::Sandra Bernhard:Madonna. And who in the hell can rationalize drinking beer like a fish while pregnant? Because we all know the active ingredients in gin (C2-H6-O) is much worse than the active ingredients in beer and wine (alcohol).

Porn plastic surgery. A secret memo is being passed among the whores which apparently lists the appropriate plastic surgery for their industry. It includes
-tit jobs which stretch your skin to the breaking point. If your tits are bigger than your cranium, you have no future. Well, not true, they might get you $.50 more per hour in your hostess job at sizzler.
-chin chiseling
-Mr. Spock eyebrows
-Oscar Meyer® brand upper lip implants. The most unnatural look out there. And a dead giveaway.
-ass implants. Folks, you either have an ass, or you set aside some of your Xanax money each month and buy a health club membership, and his the ass machine. If you have to wait in line, do it, you don't get up until 11:00 anyway.

Danni.com. Back in the day, the HotBox was actually a decent website. Good looking whores, a little raunchy. Apparently a decent place to make pseudo smut. Then came all the content "protected" by DRM (code talk for greed), then she sells out, then we come to find out that half the time, it wasn't a female run business as presented. Making a whore the titular head of a porn producer seems to be a losing proposition, Jill Kelly, Suicidal Girls.

Blaise Christie. Even that name nauseates me. In an alt.sea of shitty alt.porn, he is emerging as the alt.whipping-boy to replace Eor McGai. That's quite an accomplishment. I wonder if Steve Hirsch knows that his "alt.porn" target market are the ones downloading Kazaa, BearShare and LimeWire, and stealing the rest of his catalog.

Bono-one winning a porn contest. Either it was a fix was on or he was the only one who entered. I know she used to be a prostitute, but did "Bono the Po8" think he was finally going to get laid?

The Lure of "The Mainstream"

Seems that a lot of the whores these days continue to be deluded into thinking their porn careers will land them in a career down the hill in Hollywood. I can see it now...



As far as I can tell, the only real stardom you will achieve will be as Earl & Bertha's favorite waitress at Sizzler. Spreading your legs for money usually forecloses any mainstream notariety. You can change your name a hundred times, it
won't help in the real world. Trust me, if someone named the Smelly Monkey can figure out you are the former co-star of Deep Throat who allowed, even encouraged, you 16-year old daughter to pose nude in a mainstream film, your ATMGTOGP-past will be discovered.

Still, most whores trot out this age-old desire with increasing frequency. Never mind that films generally require acting skills. Ginger Lynn constantly cries for mainstream acceptance and has for years, it's a shame she couldn't act injured if Shant Stant wacked her in the kneecap. A lack of talent sticks out like Danielle Derek's deformed chest, and while you might fein enjoyment of Brandon Irons' dick, that isn't talent, it's Xanax.

Agents won't help you, either. You get some Hollywood fringe player like Ric Williams who promises to trade on his Hollywood mainstream experience. "Experience" here is code-talk for, "My career as a Hollywood agent failed." Too bad no one bothered to notice the only actresses he represented were a few B-movie scream queens. And I am really glad he likes to go around spouting California's bonding requirments, because the whores don't care. Their life is dominated by money, and if their suitcase agent pimp gets them enough work to support the requisite drugs/lip injections/fake tits/designer sunglass collection, they could care less about your bond or your license or your whatever.

I'm not saying whores can't make money after they are done, but they certainly can't be in the public spotlight before that porn taint shines through. If you have some legitimate talent, use it. Savanna Samson styles herself as a vintner, and I think that's great. If she wants to work at developing that and can avoid the crave of attention, good winemakers bank a lot more than the best of the whores. Of course, we all know the ultimate delusional attention whore Mary Carey, who fancies politics as her "talent." Fine, babe, if you think that losing to Gary Coleman and being ridiculed by Howard Stern is a "talent," your brain is as fake as that rack you pawned off as real.

The Lost Whores

Monday around eight I got a phone call from the 310 area code. I knew a certain roller yuppie was in L.A. trying to pimp a movie idea to Rob Black, and let the call go to voicemail. An interesting sidenote: it turns out RDB never made it to L.A.--he wound up in Reno with his new girlfriend who was a former employee of the B***y R**ch, and with whom he has already broken up.

Well, it turns out Chico the pornmonger was on the line instead, thanks to one of you who gave him my phone number. Chico had a couple of whores driving around the Phoenix area lost with $50 to their names and needing a cheap hotel. Seems Magellan and Vespuci had been driving from Arkansas, and were shooting a scene with someone in a hotel room somewhere between Phoenix and Tucson the next day. I suspect this was a 'pornactor4hire' fakeout, because well, there is only 1 town between Phoenix and Tucson and we like it that way--it's what keeps the low-class whores like Lain Oi and Tiana Lynn away from our high-class cum buckets like Taryn Thomas, Courtney Simpson, Chasey Lain and Katie Gold.

But I digress. Chico wanted to know if there was a cheap hotel in Phoenix. I'm sure there were many, but Phoenix is a big place, does Chico--or they--know any cross-streets? Of course not. I thought, Well, at least avoid the hooker & crack hotels on Van Buren. I finally told him to get them on a freeway to anywhere, and some Motel 6 or Super 8 would show up sooner or later.

I-10 runs from L.A. to Jacksonville, FL, which means you are either going "East" or "West" on the Interstate. This confuses many people in Arizona, because I-10 is the highway from Phoenix to Tucson, except you are going north or south. Anyway, Chico called the whores back, explained (I hope) the whole I-10 thing, and told them to look for a hotel. And then I made a mistake. I said, "If they really get lost, give 'em my phone number."

Not more than 10 minutes later the phone rang again. This time I wanted to answer it, it was coming from the 510 area code and I know lots of people in the Bay Area. Mistake #2: it wasn't 510 (East Bay), it was 501 (Central Arkansas). After some pressing, I found the whores--Ashley and Victoria--were driving down Van Buren street! And they weren't looking for a hotel, they were looking "For the bars where all the rich guys go." Well, it turns out that "Victoria" and "Ashley" were in luck: one right turn onto Central Ave. plus another right turn onto Camelback Road will land them in Old Town Scottsdale, full of lawyers, doctors, architects and trendy clubs. See how easy that was?

I went back to my exciting night of "The Sopranos," until the phone rang again about 30 minutes later. They had managed to complete their two right turns, but had ignored Scottsdale completely and drived into the Salt River Indian Reservation. I am sure there are some single rich guys there, but I've never seen them before. One of these whores spent several years in the SFV making smut, could Phoenix really be big enough to confuse them? Ah, well, that's rhetorical. Another phone call came in when they were at least close.

Obviously some low-wattage light went off in one of these whore's heads when she called yet again and asked if I wanted to come join them at the bar? Now I know porn maxim number one: whores lie. So my guard instantly rises; I know that showing up would entail (i) buying these whores free drinks (ii) getting the Nolan Richardson full-court press to let them stay at Chez Willie. I recalled one person who said he never leaves his office with a whore still inside, or in the minimum takes a mental picture of the items on his desk. I can see all sorts of bad things happening, so I offer my apologies. As a tender finale to this story, and to prove someone has some scruples, the "real" Ashlee, or Victoria, or whoever calls at her wits end. This girl I'm with is crazy, she says. She's made me drive all over the place for a week, she threatens me, can you just help us find a place for tonight?!"

I replied, "Ask the bartender to get you to a freeway. Any freeway. You're sure to find a cheap hotel at almost every exit.

Later that night I pulled up Chico's website. Was it any wonder that "Ashlee's" schedule was listed as "postponed?"

Another Public Pornographer

Porn's newest public company, if approved by the SEC, will be Pure Play Media Holdings, Inc. They issued a shelf filing in June, meaning they are interested in selling stock to the investing public, they just don't know when. Kind of like a whore showing up for a shoot "around" her call time. Porn and finance don't mix, as whitnessed by the idiots who surmised that Club Jenna sold out to Playboy for $30 million or whatever, by Bob Friedland who got himself melted down when the Smiling Arab got on XPT and exposed the fraud of a company that JKP was, and by lowly Nick Manning wielding a whiffle ball bat to collect his A/R--even JeffMike took along a real one.

So they will sell you a piece of the company for $2.00 per share, and since you probably will have to buy in 100 share blocks, you want to know if it's safe to lay down $400 to own a slice of Pure Play Media. My answer: probably not.

If Pure Play wants to be examined against other peers in the investing public, this is a no-go. The market for $2.00 stocks is not all that great, bids can go unmatched on the OTC BB for days. Not to mention that there is no stated intention to pay a dividend. Remember that a stockholder only has a residual interest in that company, and only profits if the stock goes up in value or pays a dividend. And in a bankruptcy/liquidation scenario, only gets paid after all the federal and state agencies, secured creditors and trade vendors do. And then there is the ten ton gorilla in the room: it's a porn company and, well let's face it--while Stormy Daniels and Mary Carey think they are mainstream worthy...uhh, no, you are still freak shows who still have the porn taint. Porn businesses and the investing public are the same way.

Not to say that PP in itself isn't a decent business. They recently sold off the NinnWorx assets to Michael Ninn which basically had a neutral impact, sales have increased dramatically in some years, and that increase, coupled with a accptable but thin current ratio, put them in a working capital bind (probably causing them to consider going public). PP is not overly indebted (= low leverage) and they distribute some big titles like Danni, Score, and Cousin Stevie, pun intended.

Still, porn has yet to prove that it can generate companies with intrinsic, and profitable, stockholder value. In the U.S., consider porn's largest pubic company, Playboy Enterprise (NYSE:PLA). PLA peaked in 2002 around $16 per share, and closed an hour ago at $9.21. They pay no dividend, have a whopping price/earnings ratio of 57:1, and just announced a huge restructuring. Porn hasn't exactly set the NYSE ablaze with their performance so far.

The Dignity Extractor

Well, it's not really a specific product or anything, just a mindset which keeps the world of smut flowing smoothly. "The Extractor" pictured is a real suction device used by people on wilderness trips to suck the venom out of bites from snakes, spiders, scorpions, etc.

Willie D's Ten Questions for a Porn Whore

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The "Biggest" Porn Companies

From Our Recently-Returned Porn Reporter:

Here are some numbers in millions of dollars of sales for 2004 from Hoovers:

Vivid: 100
Private: 32
LFP: 150
Playboy: 338.2

Never mind that Hoover's is about the worst company around for finding information on privately-held businesses, heck I can order a D&B report once a year. I'd trust Henry Blodgett more than these guys. Never mind that even AVN, which supposedly tracks sales data for porn, admit's it doesn't know how much porn as a collective business venture puts out (financially), much less the results of individual producers. Who in the hell bought stock in PEI, and what tree were they smoking when they did it? Did it used to come with a free grope of Stacy Sanches?

If I were Steve Hirsch or Larry Flynt, I'd be happy to be a private company, because bigger doesn't seem to be better Way to go PEI, in an era when porn viewing and such stuff is exploding, to have a 4% growth rate over the last 3 fiscal years. Thanks for aassing a $333M market cap with which to buy Viagra for Hugh and support seven of the dumbest women I ever had to listen to. Thanks for socking away $62M in capital in 2004 without paying a nickel of it back to your shareholders. And thanks for having a 5-years price deterioration of almost 30%, while maintaining a EPS smaller than Hung Lo.

Worse than that criminal Jeffrey Bezos.

Taylor Rain: Going Postal

from LF dot com:

WHORES, SLUTS, HOOKER, CRACKHEADS, DRUG DEALERS, PIMPS, HOES AND BITCHES????? I NEVER KNEW WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO AT THE AGE OF 19!!!

I WISH I NEVER GOT INTO PORN BECAUSE OF 9/11 I WAS OUT OF A JOB!!! I WOULD OF BEEN A NORMAL SLUT THAT SERVED PEANUTS ON A PLANE!!! SWEET!!! MAYBE, WOULD OF BEEN PART OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB! OH WAIT, I ALREADY AM!!!

NOW, TODAY, AS WE SPEAK, THIS VERY MOMENT I WILL NEVER TRUST ANOTHER WHORE AGAIN!!!

THERE'S SO MUCH COMPETITION OUT THERE! DON'T GET ME WRONG THIS BUSINESS HAS MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY. I'M A STRONG YOUNG WOMEN, THAT HAS DONE MORE THAN OTHERS IN THIS BUSINESS (JENNA IS ABOVE ALL OF US OF COURSE), I FEEL LIKE MANY PEOPLE HAVE WALKED ALL OVER ME EXCEPT FOR A FEW!!!!

IF YOUR A FAN OR A GIRL OR GUY THAT WANTS TO GET INTO THE BIZ. I WOULD REALLY REALLY THINK ABOUT GETTING A REAL JOB, THAT'S LONG TERM. PORN IS VERY SHORT TERM!!! CAN'T TRUST NO BITCHES IN THIS INDUSTRY!!!! ALL THEY WANT IS MONEY AND THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET THAT FUCKIN MONEY!!! 6 YEARS IN BIZ TRUST ME FROM MY EXPERIENCES!

PORN IS EVIL!!!!!

Whores melting down.

Limey Jim SLip Goes Off on US Porn

So L-ke F-rd put up some stuff recently about an English porn discussion board which was debating why American porn was so much nastier than that in jolly ole' England. People threw around some ideas: available money, repressed morals, Britain's heavy regulation of what smut is acceptable there, take your pick. But in reading some of the fun, I came across Andrew Dworkin's male lover, by the name of Jim Slip.

Jim apparently used to produce a modest show on the UK equivalent of the Playboy Channel. He now operates an "amateur" website www.jimslip.com, which received a ringing endorsement from Hedgehog-turned-porn-hater Ron Jeremy. Isn't getting Ron to pimp anything a little passe these days? And who the fuck is going to fork over $37 a month for a single website? Can't I get 6 or 7 from Naughty America for $25 or so?

Bit I digress. Ol' Jimmah' had some rather interesting opinions on the smut you and I love.

On American porn producers:

American producers are repressed - homosexual mysoginist arseholes!

Why Jim Slip is the greatest porner in the world since the Revolutionary War:

I built the whole jimslip ethic as a reaction to this trend, to prove that not all porn consumers are potential serial killers and rapists and indeed they are not, as jimslip.com is successful. So far I havent had any requests to slap or beat up any of the girls, so i presume my members are quite happy!

Jim must watch a lot of I Love the 80s:

I'm glad that you agree with my theory that most Yank porn producers are bitter, twisted, "raging queens" in denial. It would also explain their unnatural obsession with casting studs that wouldn't look out of place on stage in a gay night-club. I mean to say, shades, bandanas, spandex shorts..............it just screams, "Hello honkey-tonks, how r u?" LOL

A porn producer caught saying, "There are no absolutes."

But of course the Yanks are morally bankrupt.

I love it when self-righteous elderly Limeys abuse the language they boast about inventing:

The worrying thing to me is that every phsycopath, always seems to hear voices telling him that "All women are whores, sluts, etc etc yawn yawn" as a justification for then going out and murdering them.

This logic seems very close to American extreme porn that seems to do everything except murder the girls. I'm sure if these mysoginist, scumbags could, legally and for a buck, murder the girls as well.................they'd do it!

Jim's not just a dipshit, he's a Kid Vegas-level dipshit.

Think Your Fetish Is Fucked Up???

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AVN: The Worst Trade Rag

M* wrote this somewhere else on XPT:
"damn. AVN cat, Peter Warren, breaks it down.
'His MySpace Blog:
Up to this point, I've maintained a strict policy of not adding guys to my Friends list. I've made the decision to alter that policy ... but just slightly. If YOU request ME as a friend, and I deem you to be a spectacularly huge person in the porn industry, I wil CONSIDER adding you. Other than that, my rules still apply: 1) You're a hot and/or riotously funny person with a vagina. 2) You actually know me for real.'"

In general, mental midgets like Peter Warren represent the dregs in journalism/blogging. They work for tiny scratch, dress like flood victims, drive the worst jalopys they can find, but damn...don't infringe on their intellectual superiority over you. God forbid they not be able to look down their noses at something. It's like that Shakespeare professor I had. Never mind his inability to find the Old Spice aisle at Wal-Mart, or to clean the one tweed coat woven during the Hoover Administraton, but damn your brain to hell if you could not recite Shylock's speech in The Merchant of Venice "Sir, many a time and oft in the Rialto you have rated me about my monies and my usances, etc."

This guy is just that kind of total loser. But let's just extend the hatred to the crappy covers between which he writes. What a piece of shit AVN is. Most of their "articles" are reworded press releases from the production companies, and some scribblings on a blog by their morally effete pseudo-atheist editor Mike Ramone. Throw in hundreds of ads, and "Fresh Off the Bus" that has featured whores out of the business before the edition went ot print, and some bad efforts to make porn sound mainstream. I can't find a single person with a good word about their "Awards" except those who won (and believe me, there were no winners), their office politics sounds like a Hustler-style cluster fuck. I know what assholes journalists can be. I was a photo editor for a paper in college, and it never mattered that I had exams the next day, anything less than a 3.a.m. day with boric acid all over me was considered a weak effort, even though the paper's circulation was within 10 blocks of the printing plant.

AVN, I have an idea for you...go out and find some people who can write and think...and print what they write. Yes, your circulation and subscription revenue depends on porn people, who can be as reliable as Andrew Fastow with their wallets, but it's that way all over the publishing world.

Oh, whatever the fuck, you AVN people live in a shell inside a shell. Guess I better run off and edit my MySpace profile, and make sure I set one up at XPeeps, too:

User: Willie D
Mood: Pissed off at anyone feeling "quixotic"

AVN Awards Coverage III: Table 14

The ticket Jeff Steward gave me was close, Bob Uecker close--front-row, stage left. I sit down, I'm tired from not sleeping the night before. There's a list of the categories and nominees. [b/]It's exensive. For the casual raincoater this requires some research. There are verious other people sitting there by the time the lights go dim, some I recognize. Jim Norton is one. Jim can run some shit, he was on Colin Quinn's last failure "Tough Crowd." Again, I recognize 3 attractive female faces, but can only put a name with one of them, Hillary Scott. I've glanced at all of them and am rifling though my brain to see if I can come up with something. Nope! The AVN ticket said "cocktail attire." I won't go into the himbos' collective response because I don't have enough Tums for it. The women took it fairly well. There are fewer than I expected who interpreted "cocktail attire" as "reveal as much to look like the sluttiest skank possible without getting arrested."

Up comes Greg Fitzsimmons. I've never heard him before, but he's OK--Norm MacDonald with better material and a quicker delivery. Obviously all the jokes are about porn. The insiders laugh at some, and are eerily silent at others. No one realizes that the humor in porn is the best-kept secret. I guess that makes Jonathan Morgan the George Soros of smut. Jesse Jane has sometimes been accused of being limp in bed, a Y2K Savannah. Since the average life of a whore is 3-4 years, this must have been one of porn's Triple Witching days, 'cause the teleprompt mistakes are priceless.

There was indeed an ensuing double love-in for Janine and "Pirates." Since when does throwing tons of cash at porn ever make it any better? The best porn has always been about making more with less, kind of like the Oakland A's. Later I'll write about a stupid article in the AEE Expo Guide about how a mysterious "ex-Wall Street banker" (read: under NASD lifetime suspension) who will help bring in $100 billion in investment capital into porn. Yeah, a tenth of a trillion dollars. You people are drinking your own Kool Aide. If I had that budget, I'd call up Grip Johnson and have a 600-hour version of "Donkey Punch" ready for the presses. As much money as necessary would be thrown at a few of my favorite whores: one being Ava Devine. What a fuckin' trash-talker.

Anyway, the love-in progresses over to Janine, who says she's so touched (cue tears) by this outpouring of love. You know what would trigger an outpouring of love from me--get on with your life. You proved you are hot and daring, why do you need a porn redux? It's sad to find a boxer with the "1000-yard stare" noted elsewhere on XPT. Mainly because she was a champ, and faded. Rob Black is next up to cry crocodile tears. Not being "in porn," I know enough lawyers who opine Rob's aggressive stance is probably the worst thing for the industry; maybe take one for the team. No one wants to hear it, but listen to Mark Grace on "slumpbusting." Savanna Samson is the last and arguably the worst. What an ugly brew of emotions this must be. This beuatiful whore has been in porn for almost 5 years now. And getting up on the dais, she thanks, well obviously not Mom and Dad...she thanks the very people she should be avoiding, her coworkers. Savanna, quit drinking that wine. You know more than 3/4 of those in attendance would pay double if you suddenly went from "Kiss Me Stupid" to "Cum-Filled Asshole Overload 57." And you're thanking them because your family doesn't approve? Whore Memo 2: Porn people's love is no substitute for your own blood. Fix that fence if you can.

Finally comes the one moment I've wanted to see--towards which whore will Cytherea shit her meth-induced vitriol. Nice lip implants, Cy. I really don't know much about McKenzie Lee, other than a lot of people share my thought. My hoped Cytherea/Jenaveve Joli whore fight will not come to pass. Although I did learn one thing: how to pronounce Cytherea (sigh-THEER-ee-ya), and I quickly start to reform Louis Armstrong's "When The Saints Go Marchin' In" along the lines of the Cheers episode where Coach helps Sam get a GED by teaching him geography...

Albania, Albania...
You border on the Ad...ri...atic

Cytherea, Cytherea...

____________________________. ( you finish it. By now I know Hillary Scott has been hosed, and I take my leave.

If you ever act on anything I've said so far...find (preferably for free) the video interludes with Randy Spears. Randy's been around for a long time, and has some legitimate acting ability. Personally, if his dick never showed up in porn again I wouldn't care, but he's got a knack for the self-deprecating Everyman, and that counts for something. The setup is simple...technophobe Spears gets his first DVD and hits "play." On come a variety of whores tempting Randy into several rather unwholesome acts:
Thumb in ass with Stormy Daniels (no...not her ass): NOOOSIRREEEE
Gag Factor 267: Randy Spears anda largemouth bass: YESSSSSSSS
Hunting the Bukkake Rooster 2: Randy sodomizes a broiler-ready Tyson hen...YESSSSS
One-Guy Cream Pie 1: Randy Spears and banana cream. YESSSSS

It get my AVN Award: Best Poultry-Themed Porn. Last year's award went to Hunting the Bukkake Rooster.

AVN Awards Coverage II: Whore Staging Area

For some, the Gauntlet can be time consuming. The only thing Jenna Jameson and I have in common is that we probably occupy the opposite ends of the Gauntlet record books, me for the fastest, her taking her diva-time (that and living in P.V.). When you're at the end...everyone lines up for a security check. There's a tight security control not on knives or guns or bad pimp outfits, but on cameras. AVN is eventually going to try and resell this. Which raincoater is gonna buy this CD? The most graphic sex in this show is Chi Chi Larue reaching down into it's jock to retieve some artifagts. That and some extended nipple licking and Randy Spears fucking a thawed, but uncooked, chicken. Randy Spears saves this show from being enormously boring, as you'll hear.

So you've cleared security and you buy something to drink. You're next accosted by the mob of porn reporters who wanna know what you think about all this. Just like fanboys will take a picture of anyone, porn reporters will interview anyone, including ME? What.The.Fuck? I'm sure there are some non-porn reporters there, hard to tell them apart. Some person did catch my eye, asked my name and who I was with. I gave her my name and said I was a guest of JM Productions, which was true.

"How did you become involved with them?"

I briefly explained XPT, fans & talent interacting, moderators, etc. etc. The same stuff we read the first time we ever visited XPT, and now have bookmarked past.

"So do you get involved in the filming process?"

Believe it or not, I anticipated this happening. Someone asking me the dumbest question ever. Is she a lucky reporter? I think, yessssssss. Yes, honey, there is a desparate need in porn for stuntcock of Irish descent that has Doron D's body type and has a receding hairline. But I have the comeback ready. "I don't make porn...I make light of it." With no notetaking done, this awkwardly ends the chat and I can finish a $6.00 Heineken.

I do take some time to watch the diva level as people file in. Some come in rather casually, Lexi Lamour seemed laid back, my right hand is familiar with her. Some stop to talk with the pornporters, actually many of them. The real attention whores get offended that they were not recognized by the cameras...so they double back and try again. Julia Bond dragged her suitcase "pimp" back through at least 4 times. Is he really a "pimp" if he's the one being led around? And sorry to single you out, Julia, but when you're dumb enough to have "Daddy's Little Girl" tattooed on the top of your ass... Then the ultra-divas arrive, who do the non-touching kiss, because you wouldn't want a little fraudulent kindness to spoil the trowel of junk on your face. As Jeff Mike advised, the key was to witness the fake emotions. You could feel the ghost of Ayn Rand over the whole affair.

I try my best to match names and faces, but it's hopeless unless you work full-time in that stuff. Earlier in the day I saw some whores peeved over a fanboy asking their names. Whore memo: there are too many of you to remember. I'm sorry. It's fun to try and keep up every now and then, but you are constantly changing (now acting, now retired, more boobs, lips, lipo, ass implants, on meth, off meth, you name it). When one of sufficient stroke-worthiness is found, we sometimes forget the others.

AVN Awards Coverage I: The Perp Walk

Before I start this rant...Jeff Mike is very cool. In the middle of Saturday afternoon when the fanboy swarm was reaching flood stage, Jeff starts talking to me about the AVN Awards. I personally think they are the biggest waste of time and prove that most porn is overthought and taken too seriously (except for Randy Spears). Jeff offers a ticket to the show. Jeff says, It's close to the front...you need to see the crocodile tears and all of the fake bullshit upfront. I think it's cool because I may be able to shoot spitballs into Jesse Jane's hair and see if the Aqua Net repels them. No..not really. He describes something like a gauntlet and suggests getting there 30 minutes ahead of the printed time. So I do.

If you know anything about convention-type hotels (and I don't) there is the enormously long corridor along which there are numerous ballrooms, meeting rooms, etc. In the case of the Venetian...it's more than 200 yards. All day the hotel staff has been detouring the fanboys and CES people around this hallway to get things ready. I arrive around 10 to 8 (Missed meeting Burg, Luke Ford and someone else @ a bar), and I'm relatively close to the front of the line.

One half of this hallway is roped off...lengthwise. One half is for the attendees to walk down...the other is filled 4 rows deep (and I am not making this up)...the entire length of the hallway. Everyone has their cam phones and digital cameras out. These freaks have waited over 3 hours since the convention shut down for the day for this moment. They start letting people walk down the hallway...gradually. I'm a few in line behind Kurt Lockwood, who has finally put on some clothes.

This is an utterly disgusting sight. People are taking random pictures of the people (including ME???), like next year I might be the next super-pimp that they "saw before he was big." I'm not much for hyperbole, but I imagine the characters in Alfred Jarry's King Ubu plays feel the same way when they first perform those roles live. I though I had seen displays of fanboyism unmatched before...but this was the ultimate...a jizz-soaked red carpet (well, it was some melange of tan and burgundy and whatever).