The Lost Whores

Monday around eight I got a phone call from the 310 area code. I knew a certain roller yuppie was in L.A. trying to pimp a movie idea to Rob Black, and let the call go to voicemail. An interesting sidenote: it turns out RDB never made it to L.A.--he wound up in Reno with his new girlfriend who was a former employee of the B***y R**ch, and with whom he has already broken up.

Well, it turns out Chico the pornmonger was on the line instead, thanks to one of you who gave him my phone number. Chico had a couple of whores driving around the Phoenix area lost with $50 to their names and needing a cheap hotel. Seems Magellan and Vespuci had been driving from Arkansas, and were shooting a scene with someone in a hotel room somewhere between Phoenix and Tucson the next day. I suspect this was a 'pornactor4hire' fakeout, because well, there is only 1 town between Phoenix and Tucson and we like it that way--it's what keeps the low-class whores like Lain Oi and Tiana Lynn away from our high-class cum buckets like Taryn Thomas, Courtney Simpson, Chasey Lain and Katie Gold.

But I digress. Chico wanted to know if there was a cheap hotel in Phoenix. I'm sure there were many, but Phoenix is a big place, does Chico--or they--know any cross-streets? Of course not. I thought, Well, at least avoid the hooker & crack hotels on Van Buren. I finally told him to get them on a freeway to anywhere, and some Motel 6 or Super 8 would show up sooner or later.

I-10 runs from L.A. to Jacksonville, FL, which means you are either going "East" or "West" on the Interstate. This confuses many people in Arizona, because I-10 is the highway from Phoenix to Tucson, except you are going north or south. Anyway, Chico called the whores back, explained (I hope) the whole I-10 thing, and told them to look for a hotel. And then I made a mistake. I said, "If they really get lost, give 'em my phone number."

Not more than 10 minutes later the phone rang again. This time I wanted to answer it, it was coming from the 510 area code and I know lots of people in the Bay Area. Mistake #2: it wasn't 510 (East Bay), it was 501 (Central Arkansas). After some pressing, I found the whores--Ashley and Victoria--were driving down Van Buren street! And they weren't looking for a hotel, they were looking "For the bars where all the rich guys go." Well, it turns out that "Victoria" and "Ashley" were in luck: one right turn onto Central Ave. plus another right turn onto Camelback Road will land them in Old Town Scottsdale, full of lawyers, doctors, architects and trendy clubs. See how easy that was?

I went back to my exciting night of "The Sopranos," until the phone rang again about 30 minutes later. They had managed to complete their two right turns, but had ignored Scottsdale completely and drived into the Salt River Indian Reservation. I am sure there are some single rich guys there, but I've never seen them before. One of these whores spent several years in the SFV making smut, could Phoenix really be big enough to confuse them? Ah, well, that's rhetorical. Another phone call came in when they were at least close.

Obviously some low-wattage light went off in one of these whore's heads when she called yet again and asked if I wanted to come join them at the bar? Now I know porn maxim number one: whores lie. So my guard instantly rises; I know that showing up would entail (i) buying these whores free drinks (ii) getting the Nolan Richardson full-court press to let them stay at Chez Willie. I recalled one person who said he never leaves his office with a whore still inside, or in the minimum takes a mental picture of the items on his desk. I can see all sorts of bad things happening, so I offer my apologies. As a tender finale to this story, and to prove someone has some scruples, the "real" Ashlee, or Victoria, or whoever calls at her wits end. This girl I'm with is crazy, she says. She's made me drive all over the place for a week, she threatens me, can you just help us find a place for tonight?!"

I replied, "Ask the bartender to get you to a freeway. Any freeway. You're sure to find a cheap hotel at almost every exit.

Later that night I pulled up Chico's website. Was it any wonder that "Ashlee's" schedule was listed as "postponed?"