The Lure of "The Mainstream"

Seems that a lot of the whores these days continue to be deluded into thinking their porn careers will land them in a career down the hill in Hollywood. I can see it now...



As far as I can tell, the only real stardom you will achieve will be as Earl & Bertha's favorite waitress at Sizzler. Spreading your legs for money usually forecloses any mainstream notariety. You can change your name a hundred times, it
won't help in the real world. Trust me, if someone named the Smelly Monkey can figure out you are the former co-star of Deep Throat who allowed, even encouraged, you 16-year old daughter to pose nude in a mainstream film, your ATMGTOGP-past will be discovered.

Still, most whores trot out this age-old desire with increasing frequency. Never mind that films generally require acting skills. Ginger Lynn constantly cries for mainstream acceptance and has for years, it's a shame she couldn't act injured if Shant Stant wacked her in the kneecap. A lack of talent sticks out like Danielle Derek's deformed chest, and while you might fein enjoyment of Brandon Irons' dick, that isn't talent, it's Xanax.

Agents won't help you, either. You get some Hollywood fringe player like Ric Williams who promises to trade on his Hollywood mainstream experience. "Experience" here is code-talk for, "My career as a Hollywood agent failed." Too bad no one bothered to notice the only actresses he represented were a few B-movie scream queens. And I am really glad he likes to go around spouting California's bonding requirments, because the whores don't care. Their life is dominated by money, and if their suitcase agent pimp gets them enough work to support the requisite drugs/lip injections/fake tits/designer sunglass collection, they could care less about your bond or your license or your whatever.

I'm not saying whores can't make money after they are done, but they certainly can't be in the public spotlight before that porn taint shines through. If you have some legitimate talent, use it. Savanna Samson styles herself as a vintner, and I think that's great. If she wants to work at developing that and can avoid the crave of attention, good winemakers bank a lot more than the best of the whores. Of course, we all know the ultimate delusional attention whore Mary Carey, who fancies politics as her "talent." Fine, babe, if you think that losing to Gary Coleman and being ridiculed by Howard Stern is a "talent," your brain is as fake as that rack you pawned off as real.

The Lost Whores

Monday around eight I got a phone call from the 310 area code. I knew a certain roller yuppie was in L.A. trying to pimp a movie idea to Rob Black, and let the call go to voicemail. An interesting sidenote: it turns out RDB never made it to L.A.--he wound up in Reno with his new girlfriend who was a former employee of the B***y R**ch, and with whom he has already broken up.

Well, it turns out Chico the pornmonger was on the line instead, thanks to one of you who gave him my phone number. Chico had a couple of whores driving around the Phoenix area lost with $50 to their names and needing a cheap hotel. Seems Magellan and Vespuci had been driving from Arkansas, and were shooting a scene with someone in a hotel room somewhere between Phoenix and Tucson the next day. I suspect this was a 'pornactor4hire' fakeout, because well, there is only 1 town between Phoenix and Tucson and we like it that way--it's what keeps the low-class whores like Lain Oi and Tiana Lynn away from our high-class cum buckets like Taryn Thomas, Courtney Simpson, Chasey Lain and Katie Gold.

But I digress. Chico wanted to know if there was a cheap hotel in Phoenix. I'm sure there were many, but Phoenix is a big place, does Chico--or they--know any cross-streets? Of course not. I thought, Well, at least avoid the hooker & crack hotels on Van Buren. I finally told him to get them on a freeway to anywhere, and some Motel 6 or Super 8 would show up sooner or later.

I-10 runs from L.A. to Jacksonville, FL, which means you are either going "East" or "West" on the Interstate. This confuses many people in Arizona, because I-10 is the highway from Phoenix to Tucson, except you are going north or south. Anyway, Chico called the whores back, explained (I hope) the whole I-10 thing, and told them to look for a hotel. And then I made a mistake. I said, "If they really get lost, give 'em my phone number."

Not more than 10 minutes later the phone rang again. This time I wanted to answer it, it was coming from the 510 area code and I know lots of people in the Bay Area. Mistake #2: it wasn't 510 (East Bay), it was 501 (Central Arkansas). After some pressing, I found the whores--Ashley and Victoria--were driving down Van Buren street! And they weren't looking for a hotel, they were looking "For the bars where all the rich guys go." Well, it turns out that "Victoria" and "Ashley" were in luck: one right turn onto Central Ave. plus another right turn onto Camelback Road will land them in Old Town Scottsdale, full of lawyers, doctors, architects and trendy clubs. See how easy that was?

I went back to my exciting night of "The Sopranos," until the phone rang again about 30 minutes later. They had managed to complete their two right turns, but had ignored Scottsdale completely and drived into the Salt River Indian Reservation. I am sure there are some single rich guys there, but I've never seen them before. One of these whores spent several years in the SFV making smut, could Phoenix really be big enough to confuse them? Ah, well, that's rhetorical. Another phone call came in when they were at least close.

Obviously some low-wattage light went off in one of these whore's heads when she called yet again and asked if I wanted to come join them at the bar? Now I know porn maxim number one: whores lie. So my guard instantly rises; I know that showing up would entail (i) buying these whores free drinks (ii) getting the Nolan Richardson full-court press to let them stay at Chez Willie. I recalled one person who said he never leaves his office with a whore still inside, or in the minimum takes a mental picture of the items on his desk. I can see all sorts of bad things happening, so I offer my apologies. As a tender finale to this story, and to prove someone has some scruples, the "real" Ashlee, or Victoria, or whoever calls at her wits end. This girl I'm with is crazy, she says. She's made me drive all over the place for a week, she threatens me, can you just help us find a place for tonight?!"

I replied, "Ask the bartender to get you to a freeway. Any freeway. You're sure to find a cheap hotel at almost every exit.

Later that night I pulled up Chico's website. Was it any wonder that "Ashlee's" schedule was listed as "postponed?"

Another Public Pornographer

Porn's newest public company, if approved by the SEC, will be Pure Play Media Holdings, Inc. They issued a shelf filing in June, meaning they are interested in selling stock to the investing public, they just don't know when. Kind of like a whore showing up for a shoot "around" her call time. Porn and finance don't mix, as whitnessed by the idiots who surmised that Club Jenna sold out to Playboy for $30 million or whatever, by Bob Friedland who got himself melted down when the Smiling Arab got on XPT and exposed the fraud of a company that JKP was, and by lowly Nick Manning wielding a whiffle ball bat to collect his A/R--even JeffMike took along a real one.

So they will sell you a piece of the company for $2.00 per share, and since you probably will have to buy in 100 share blocks, you want to know if it's safe to lay down $400 to own a slice of Pure Play Media. My answer: probably not.

If Pure Play wants to be examined against other peers in the investing public, this is a no-go. The market for $2.00 stocks is not all that great, bids can go unmatched on the OTC BB for days. Not to mention that there is no stated intention to pay a dividend. Remember that a stockholder only has a residual interest in that company, and only profits if the stock goes up in value or pays a dividend. And in a bankruptcy/liquidation scenario, only gets paid after all the federal and state agencies, secured creditors and trade vendors do. And then there is the ten ton gorilla in the room: it's a porn company and, well let's face it--while Stormy Daniels and Mary Carey think they are mainstream worthy...uhh, no, you are still freak shows who still have the porn taint. Porn businesses and the investing public are the same way.

Not to say that PP in itself isn't a decent business. They recently sold off the NinnWorx assets to Michael Ninn which basically had a neutral impact, sales have increased dramatically in some years, and that increase, coupled with a accptable but thin current ratio, put them in a working capital bind (probably causing them to consider going public). PP is not overly indebted (= low leverage) and they distribute some big titles like Danni, Score, and Cousin Stevie, pun intended.

Still, porn has yet to prove that it can generate companies with intrinsic, and profitable, stockholder value. In the U.S., consider porn's largest pubic company, Playboy Enterprise (NYSE:PLA). PLA peaked in 2002 around $16 per share, and closed an hour ago at $9.21. They pay no dividend, have a whopping price/earnings ratio of 57:1, and just announced a huge restructuring. Porn hasn't exactly set the NYSE ablaze with their performance so far.