Biggest Piece Of Shit In Porn--2005

As we come to the end of 2005...time to list your biggest pieces of shit in porn this year. In no particular order, here are a few of my favorite shitheads:

The Kerkove Family. This is Married With Children with small babies, real porn and criminal records longer than Johnny Wadd. Did Skeeter abuse his kids? Did Bridgette set him up? No one knows, except that both are as trustworthy as the Smelly Monkey Land Co. Before I came to this hamlet, I lurked at ADT for a while to check it out. Reading those Skeeter diatribes about what a fine human being he is...you could feel the imminent thrombosis. Then someone would remind him that he is a sex offender and he's just go off. Being a porn-hooker wife/mother is not much better--you'll fuck anyone for money and you have no standards.

The Suicide Girls. If Joanna Angel is the baby of alt-porn, suicide girls dot com is the putrid bloody placential afterbirth. For several years this palce bragged about its tattooed, dreadlocked, Frankenstein-faced "womyn"-made and run website. Oops! Looks like some capitalist pig guys were running the site after all, prompting these unrealistically ideological emo-skanks to figure out what to actually do with their lives, since they are too ugly for porn. Memo to the SG'ers: just because you got Dave Grohl to put a quote on your website does not legitimize you. Dave was only good because Kurt and Chris were better.

Dale Dabone. Someone (probably Dale in a meth craze) started a rumor that Dale was dating tennis teen turned pothead turned old tennis pothead Jennifer Capriati. Probably a step up for Dale, who's used to chatting up Randi Wright before prolapsing her rectum. The story hit every porn board, ESPN radio and TV, Fox Sports Radio, the Jim Rome Show, all of whom latched onto the obvious:
--Dale's utterly stupid porn name
--Jen's days with the hippie lettuce
--The fact that Jen could bite off Dale's winky with her Shy Love-sized incisors.
Of course the story was false. Dale issued an apology, I recall.

Jewel DeNyle's parents. Aside from the fact that getting your parents into porn is a bizarro-world move in itself, why in the hell would you trust these brainiacs to lead a team of porn whores down to the Bahamas, where all shit breaks loose, whores are directed to blow everyone who asks, no one has a hotel room, and Jewel's bosses are out $50K for Mommy and Daddy's fuckup. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

(this is a local one) Jenna Jameson. Whoever made up that expression, "I oughta write the mayor," should have excluded porn whores. For over a year now, Jenna has been trying to reopen Babe's, a defunct strip club in south Scottsdale, AZ, a middle class but very religious neighborhood who has already been swindled by the city government twice in the last decade. Understand, Scottsdale is a pretty conservative place. That ClubJenna can even exist here is a mystery to me. First they tried to block Jenna's liquor license and couldn't. Now they want to ban "touching" lap dances at any new clubs, like hers. Jenna's brilliant solution: go out in the public and call out the city council and mayor. Note to Jenna: I know the mayor, went to school with her children. She's a bigger bitch about porn than you are about black guys.



I planned to include Scipio the ADT mod who came over here for a few days and posted during the Shane Diesel saga. He seemed to enjoy the shit-throwing so much, what does that say about Steph? I'm removing him. C'mon back, bra'

Happy shit-throwing!

Kami Andrews Is No MBA

This appears on her "website/blog"

I waited for months for a check and I got it and it's made out to my corporation. I take it to the bank and they say open a small business account I say ok what do you need? My letter of incorporation, I go home and get it and return to the bank. Ok you need you EIN. I go home, well fuck some how the $700 I paid for the fucking incorporation doesn't include an EIN.

I call the number on the front of my packet, my hold time is 6 minutes, but the phone disconnects every 5 minutes 30 seconds. This happens 3 times on the fourth time I get through. but I don't need the PA department of state corporation bureau, I need the state of pa. new number. I call same crap lots of holding and getting cut off then I need the IRS then I need the federal goverment. Finally 3 hours later I find out I just have to file a ss-4. I print out the directions (which meant unpacking enough boxes to find paper) and I file on line, at the end of my form it says error start over and erases everything. I call the file by phone number wow that was actual quick and painless with a hold time under 5 minutes!!! I get the fucking number and make trip 3 to Parkvale bank. I am told they have no proof that that really is my EIN number as I don't have a form with it from the IRS. Fine. I don't get any money from this fucking check anyway, I owe it to some one who owes me money. Don't try to make sense of that I gave up.

Somehow this all reminds me of Sharon Mitchell trying to cash a check at a bank by showing the teller a magazine layout she was carrying, but magically had no license or other id. How do you people do it?

The obvious lack of any business knoweldge aside, the commentary afterward is even more funny. One guy tries to stroke her up asking is she is an S-corp or LLC. She replies "S" even though her company is named KamiLand Productions, LLC. Then some banker degenerage invites her over to his bank. Hey chief, last time I checked, most banks (including the 2 largest in L.A.) will not do business with porn-related companies. I can see the guy walking her into the bank (in Pennsylvania, mind you) and say to the presumably-conservative bank president, "Hi. This is Kami Andrews. She's a big porn star in California. Treat her like royalty. Sure, porn companies bounce checks higher than Pike's Peak, but she's good for it. She'll do an anal scene just for you if she's ever OD."

[important aside to this..OD = overdrawn, not overdosed; otherwise Chasey Lain would be the Secretary of the Treasury]

You know how you'll earn their respect...know something about banks, about forming businesses. Hire some dirty CPA or lawyer to do all this stuff. Then you won't look like such a boob.

Do porn companies use accountants, lawyers (for more than courtroom work)? JKP was a publicly-owned company, they presumably would have to have an independent auditor hired, company with Sarbanes-Oxley filings, etc.

She's not the only one, by the way.

Racking the Trolls

For me, good trolling involves 2 things:

1. Satire which you know is on the outer edges of the recipient's brain power
2. A good user name

We're all pretty good at #1, but it's #2 that can really light someone's gas can. Seinfeld knew this, those were the lamest one-liners since SCTV, but the set-up was flawless.Suppose you want to troll Genesis Skye, an easy but illustrative example. Obviously your posts would have lots of long words related to drug use, probably a liberal use of the word "whore," maybe even a few lines taken Grandmaster Melle Mel's "White Lines" which was written before she was born, but which just about everyone knows about (see...on the fringes of her intelligence). The setup would be a clever, but very inflammatory username. Once she reads that, she knows she's gonna get flamed like Hiroshima. Maybe "Skye's Rx Depot," "Genesis' Meeth," you get it. The other good troll is the 1-line e-mail, which you post somewhere it will be seen, but never actually sent. You never sign you own name, just something referential.

Dear Taylor Rain,
We're meeting by the Pasteur today. Please show up at 5:05
Sincerely,
The Waldos

Nasty Smileys and Bananas

Yeah, you know the generic smiley and banana emoticons we've all come to use in our Derridean emphasis on writing. Here are some more for you sick people to insert in your e-mails and posts. God help you :-)

Now post away degenerates!

Rack the Cardinals

While the Cardinals may have lost in the post-season, they remain the most victorious baseball team in the NL...so you fukkin' Asstrohs fans who think you arethe shit since you got over once in 40-somthing years need to remember something:

Save The Alterna-Whores

Let's face it, peeps, we're being inundated by a plague.

I know the alterna-skanks like to think they're "kewl" and that they're not "skærd" of criticism. Unfortunately, everyone from Roger T. Pipe to Luke Ford to CAVR have pissed down the throat of alternative porn. It's cool to see a whore getting boned, it's not "kewl" to see the same whore with purple hair, armpit stains larger than Delaware, and and Meeth .

Help For Janine Lindemulder

If Janine wants to make money through tattoo advertising, I have an idea.

AVN Blog Alive With Hate for Wankus

Upon trying to post...I got

Quote:
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In an effort to curb malicious comment posting by abusive users, I've enabled a feature that requires a weblog commenter to wait a short amount of time before being able to post again. Please try to post your comment again in a short while. Thanks for your patience.


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So Bob, here's my post. Maybe one of your jack-booted thugs can post this for me when my quarantine is ended.

"Bob, you are partially to blame for this thread hikack cum flame war--you basically said all that needed to be said. Gauge flaked, Alexis did not. Gauge is narcissistic, catty, demanding, even over-the-hill and in denial. 'Nuff said. However, you did write, "It starts out with comments on KSEX and a few web sites that...," of course implying that this was broadcast by them. If you didn't mean it that way, fine; but that's how you wrote it. This gives Wanktionary a chance at bringing himself and his baby KSEX into the mix to defend/promote themselves and split some linguistic hairs. In this whole mix are a bunch of people with gas cans and matches, ready to go on any highly polarizing issue, like...oh...you-know-who. Guy drives this further by his own narcissism and attempts at self-justification, which invites the posters to throw even more gas, and pretty soon the blog goes Emergency 51. So thanks for the skinny on Gauge, who does need a reality check, but if self-promoter Wanklicity starts qualifying other people's writing, you should know it's gonna get ugly. RTT"

Max H. Gets Raided By The FBI

Couirtesy of Jim South, Jr.:

"Max comes in today and is carrying a slab of what was part of his floor. Apparently (guess this is what they told Max) Joe #1 holding the shotty pointed down while Joe #2 dropped something on the floor making Joe Schmo #1 fire off a round point blank at the floor. Just when you think you couldn't love the feds even more than now."

Porsche Lynn--Starring in "IRS Bukkake"

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Don't Make Fun of Disabled Degenerates

Dumb whore confused "astigmatism" with "eye stigmata." Don't do that!

The Babydoll Files, Part II

Another nice day in Porn Valley. Two days after our meth girls meeting at JMP, they are walking down a sidewalk in Burbank, approaching the local Walgreens.

Baby Doll: Guys, we are so lucky. With that $25 from Tony Malice, we scored some crystal down the street and had enough left over to go to AIM to get my porn test.
Lolita: Can they test for endomytriosis there? My pussy smells bad.
Tanga Rae: Hmm, you don't think it's from that tuna-scented douche you bought for your girly thing?
TR: Baby, this stuff is going to cost a fortune. If you hadn't sold that DVD to that "cumsalloverher' guy from XXXPornTalk.com, we'd be screwed. I need to pay my cell phone bill, and I'm not fucking the landlord again to pay the rent.
BD: Shhh, we need to be cool in here. I swiped a Rx pad from AIM and wrote us up some long term happiness. But we gotta be cool.
L: My tummy hurts too, maybe my muffin tatoo is getting infected.
[all 3 approach the pharmacy counter. Baby Doll walks up hesitatnly, knowing that she is committing a felony]
BD: Hi...uhhh, I need to fill this [twitch] description.
Pharmacist: Xanax [raises eyebrows] You've taken this before?
[Tanga Rae wanders off to the liquor aisle]
BD: [increasingly jittery] Umm, yeah. Psst, Lolita, is this the shit we chew to goto sleep, or the stuff when we wake up shaking in the afternoon?
L: ....yesss.....
BD: [smiles at pharmacist] Yeah, that's right.
P: You take this for anxiety attacks?
BD: I get [twitch] an...anks...nervous sometimes.
P: And who is "Dr." Sharon Mitchell? I've never heard of her before.
BD: She's a specialist. She treats a very limited group of patients.
L: [blurts out like a Tourette's episode] PORN PEOPLE!
TR: [reappears] girls, they're out of the Fleischman's 2-liter vodka, but Popov is on sale, is that OK?
P: Whoa. You should never drink taking Xanax. It's dangerous. Are you sure Dr. Mitchell wrote this for you? Should I call her to confirm it, or should I just call the police?
BD: WAIT...NO [sweating]. Ummm [twitch] look, you know, porn girls have some special talents. Maybe we could go into the store room, and like, you know. I'd even let you cum in my mouth.
P: You know what, here's your pills. You've got more track marks than the Olympics. Take it and get out of here forever.
[waiting in line to pay, each girl grabbing crumpled $1s from their pockets. Hailey Young is in line ahead of them with a bag of Depends]
BD: I knew this would work out perfect.
Hailey Young: [to herself] Fuck if I know how Jeff Steward got me to agree to 5 anal scenes.
[later that day, the 3 skanks sitting on a concrete wall, alternately passing the Xanax and Popov]
BD: [eyes glassy] these don't taste too bad. When do you wanna go call our source for some more meth? And why do my teeth hurt?

Cast:
Baby Doll: her skankified self
Lolita: muffin tatoo on her belly skank, burn marks on the writsts.
Tanga Rae: icy redhead skank with the meth-hookup celly
Hailey Young: herself, 0% skankage
Mike Horner: Pharmacist

The Babydoll Files, Part I

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Baby Doll still alive.. but is that a good thing?

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Why Gag Factor?

I remember watching Ashley Moore in Dirty Trixxx 2 where she plays a $20 street hooker on Pico. She was an "up and comer" back then. I watched with some hesitation when her obscenely overdone mascara is smudged as Jay Ashley uses her head like a fuck balloon, then I thought it was kinda odd when he fucked her with a barstool, By the time he was piledriving her ass while squirting water into her cunt (and making it squirt out onto her face, I was laughing out loud, thinking, no matter what this whore does for the rest of her life, good or bad, she's gonna have to answer for this. She could be a crack whore or a nun, and people will still be around to remind her of this. Not sure if it was the sounds, the visual of ramming a barstool leg into a slut, or her trashy look, but by the end it was fukkin' funny

Welcome Smut Fans

Yeah, that's right. Are you a nasty smut pervert? Come on over and enjoy the nasty times as we enjoy the defilement of nasty porn girls...and laugh at their expense, HaHa! More to come in the future...and a promise of no alterna-porn stupid misspelling.